That its true that in life never turns out how you plan.
I like to think iam pretty messed up at the moment, theres alot going on, But when i truly think about it....
I realise that all of this , is so menial in the great scheme of things.
There are two words my mind has become friendly with lately, They are the terms 'menial' and 'delusion' .
As most of you know i went backpacking in NZ in November 2005. There was indeed a purpose to it.
I like to think it was a bit of a self discovery thing, But i was disappointed to come back and feel no different.
It was the reflection of the trip over the past 2 years that made me realise, It did indeed serve its purpose.
And tonight on my way home from a friends, my mind full of thoughts, i realised that i am slowly, but obvious to me now, Becoming the person i wanted to be all along.
When i was in NZ i thought about a guy who i was friends with in high-school, Alot. He was a friend of a friend really, I had spent alot of time with him through association. There was one person, who knew i liked him, He had a GF It was a passing thing for the most part. But he performed the single sweetest gesture my heart had ever felt. So i thought about him a fair bit and when i got back from NZ i tracked him down and we spent an evening together.
I told him how i had felt back then, he told me he felt the same, we hung out, watched tv, i went home and we didnt talk ever again.
Lol i know thats a sad story But to me it served its purpose.
It wasnt so much him as it was what he stood for. I learned a lesson and ive learned alot more since.
They key thing i wanted to do in NZ was to find myself, to be who i wanted to be, before i dated again. I ruined my 3 years of being single (with the exception of couple of dates) By dating michael. And i realised today i learned something from that too.
Recently, While trying to define my feelings about situations and people i realised i may be deluding myself. Trying to convince myself that my way was the better way. ...But its more than that its trying to believe that i was doing the right thing, when in my heart i knew there was a much better approach.
The challenge is to accept that. and tonight i remembered who i was, and that really, its not that hard. Life isnt that hard,
In the midst of my nausea, headaches, and physical pain my mind was clear.
Through all of this i finally realised that the change i had been trying to make in myself, had already happened.
I dont really know what iam trying to say here, I guess i have a msg and that is that if you are 100% sure, with no uncertainty or hesitancy, if your not questioning yourself and if your subconscious isnt questioning yourself, If in your heart you know its right, But your brain knows it too. Than chances are it is, And if you reach that point of assurance, Jump right in, cause really, you dont have anything to loose, and that is the honest truth. But if you stop to question even for a second. Move on. Because we're at an age in our lives, where relationships can become serious very quickly. I know alot of you have the 25 age goal. So look at the bigger picture.. Remember what you really want. Take a chance, dont take a chance, Define you interpretation of love, Define attraction and lust. And if worse comes to worse take your time, because mistakes and accidents are forgotten, but regret lasts a lifetime.